Survivor Narrative
Brandon Tidwell
In 2005, I stood in front of Love In Action, in Memphis, TN with a handful of others to declare a message: God loves each and every one of us and that homosexuality is not a sin. As an ex-gay survivor and a former client of Love In Action, I know how important this simple message is. 
Our purpose was to share our stories and our journeys with others who believed that programs like Love In Action were their only choice. Like many of the clients who have gone before, I felt there was no other choice than to deny my soul and live as an ‘ex-gay.’ What I came to find was a whole new experience of Christ and my relationship with the church once I began to question the teachings of the movement.When I came to Memphis in 2002 to enroll at Love In Action, I was desperate and believed this was my last chance to “fix” myself and no longer be gay. I had already spent thousands of dollars on counseling in Dallas and joined Exodus, a national movement of ex-gay ministries. But to no avail, I could not change my very identify. My time here was my last hope.
The three months at Love In Action were sometimes helpful, but more often destructive. While I valued the structured schedule and constant Bible-study, the messages I receive continued to condemn:
- In order to be loved by God, I needed to change myself rather than allowing myself to be accepted as I was
- My homosexuality is my parent’s fault, the product of my over-bearing mother and weak father
- If I continued to be gay, I would have no role or value in the church
My three months at Love In Action consisted of some positive experiences – daily fellowship with others who shared my struggle, needed rest and an almost monastic existence that separated all of us from our own personal reality. And while the sports clinics and long list of rules were tolerable, the underlying message throughout the program was that to be loved by God, I had to change my identity. Accepting myself as a gay man was plainly unacceptable. Slowly and methodically, they were destroying us from the inside out. 
Before I share the rest of my story, I want to make one thing clear. Love In Action is not solely responsible for the harm it is inflicting on individuals and families across this nation. The responsibility falls square on the shoulders of the communities of faith who demand us to change.
But the church won’t change because I rail against the wind. It will change when LGBT believers claim their rightful place at the table of faith. It’s changing even now as members of the Body come out of the closet and into the light of truth and acceptance. One-by-one, as a child, friend or loved one steps into freedom, the church is learning what Christ meant when he asked all of us to love the world.
After three months of “reparative therapy” inside those walls, I left Love In Action, believing I was no longer gay and would begin my new life in Memphis. I joined a church, began dating a few girls, and continued to stay involved with the ‘ex-gay’ movement, including LIA. Over the next nine months, though, my world began to unravel. 
First, I became more and more restless with the message of the church and the ex-gay movement. Every instance of Christ’s ministry demonstrated love and acceptance. The handful of times that Scripture mentioned homosexuality had all been taken out of context and was open to interpretation.
Second, I began to meet one person after another who was gay and a person of Christian faith. In fact, to my surprise, they were some of the most devout and authentic Christians I had ever met!
Finally, I began to see the history of oppression in the church of other groups and realized that their oppression of gays was due to their own homophobia. Rather than attempting to deal with this issue head-on, many in the church have dug in their heels and refuse to see their fear and condemnation.
On July 4, 2003, I declared my independence from teachings of the “ex-gay” movement and those in the church who supported them. I found a welcoming congregation in the United Methodist Church and began the day-by-day work of recovering my faith. As I began to stand for my faith and my identity, I found more and more affirming relationships with people of faith. Like me, many of them were concerned with the direction of the church and did not see Scripture as a weapon to condemn others.
Today, I am a gay man of Christian faith, a man with hopes, dreams and aspirations to live a life of authenticity and service to this world. I hope to be a voice among many who are calling for God’s love and acceptance to prevail in this struggle. To the people at Love In Action, I say to you that God loves you just as you are and that you can find hope and peace outside of the ‘ex-gay’ life.
This past year another new chapter was added to my life… I entered into a committed relationship with my partner, Chad. I never believed this would have been possible, but we stood before God, our friends and family to live in partnership for the remainder of our lives. Though he did not come from the reparative therapy movement, he too had to come to grips with the fact that God loved him despite the teachings of his church.
My hope today is that others will hear this message and know that they can be themselves and be a full participant in God’s community of faith.
See the collage that Brandon presented to Love In Action on July 17th as part of Soulforce's Survivor's Initiative.
Read other ex-gay survivor narratives.