Beyond Ex-Gay

Survivor Narrative


SusanneImage of man with wedding ring

When my husband was dragged out of the closet because of his irreverent, immoral, and amoral behavior that our, then, 14 and 16 year old sons had to find on our home computer, I went into the closet. I didn't know what to pray for...

Do I pray that this will go away? Do I pray that he could go back to the way things were in our family before we knew about him,? Do I pray that I could go back to the way things were? After all, this wasn't like finding out your husband has a gambling problem or a drinking problem....With these, I would have been able to stand BY him, and FOR him.

I spent many, many months thinking....about my marriage of 22 years...about God...about the lives of my sons...It was all too much for me to digest. I found that I could not pray, anymore. So, I remember telling God I was taking some time off from prayer and I trusted He knew why.

I could have gone the "hate" route...hate all gay men...hate all gays. I was so profoundly devastated by what my husband did to me and our family.

Image of a footbridgeMy older son struggled with the idea that his father was going to Hell for being gay. He even went to a retreat house about 15 miles from our home to find a priest who could answer that question.

Thankfully, the priest did NOT say what I feared he would say...He told my son that only God knows what is in the hearts of each person and that he should not fear his father would go to Hell. I was pleased with the priest's answer.

My son still didn't know how to reconcile his religion with what his father had done...he was remembering what he read in the know the passages, I am sure.

I do believe being gay isn't a choice...few, if any, would choose such a hard lifestyle. And, as I told my son, if Christ really thought gays were evil or worthy of condemnation, or sick, surely there would have been a parable: "Jesus cures the gay man."

Its been very hard, letting go of a marriage I had no intentions of ever ending. If my husband was never found out, he would have taken his secret to his grave. I didn't have any "signs"; he kept that side of himself very separate. He used to refer to it as his "Dark side" after his cover was blown. What I do know is that he would give his very soul to be str8.


Read other ex-gay survivor narratives.