Special Feature Question 1: What sort of ex-gay experiences have you had?
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Peggy—Ontario, Canada
I prayed, begged. made deals with God.read a whole lot. jetted down to a texas ex-gay camp with some hard-earned scholarship money. got involved with online support forum for ex-gay youth. struck up long email conversations with a few ex-gay ministers...in which i learned about the root causes of my homosexuality, opposite sex attachment disorder, same sex attachment disorder, and proper ways to be feminine. tried to drink it out of myself for awhile. and one depressed drunken evening, i tried to gouge and saw guilt, shame and loneliness out of my arm.
BUT i have no regrets. i had to live the ex-gay life for myself. it was by living that life, that i could make peace with myself, saying "God, if being gay is really wrong, i want to know why. so i lived those questions God. that was all i could give". and now that i have, i can move on.
Peggy immigrated from Hong Kong with her family to Canada over 18 years ago. Currently, Peggy is working on her PhD in chemical engineering. Read the narrative she wrote about her ex-gay journey.
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Daniel Gonzales—Long Beach, CA
My freshman year of college when I realized my sexuality was not just a phase that would pass I began researching exgay programs and found Joseph Nicolosi's book on reparative therapy (1) in my university library. (Nicolosi is the founder and president of NARTH and the father of reparative therapy.) I sat down and read almost the entire book in one session and decided a NARTH therapist was the route I wanted to take. It just so happened when my parents called NARTH for a referral that Nicolosi was the nearest therapist. I saw Nicolosi one-on-one for traditional talk therapy for about about a year and a half total from my freshman to sophomore years of college.Of course prior to that growing up I had believed the common line that my sexuality was a phase of adolescence which would pass and I spent countless hours praying over the matter. I've always found it tremendously offensive when religious exgay leaders scold people like me for praying for God to "replace one lust with another." (2) Rather I prayed the Lord would free me from sinful temptation and create in me a desire to create a family in the model I believed He created. To say those who have failed were simply praying for heterosexual lust is deeply offensive and demeaning.
Notes:
1. "Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality"
2. Mike Goeke, page 74 of "God's Grace and the Homosexual Next Door"Daniel Gonzales is an apprentice-architect who grew up, went to college and currently lives in California. He is a former patient of NARTH founder and president Joseph Nicolosi and speaks regularly at protests of ex-gay events. Watch video of Daniel sharing his ex-gay survivor narrative here.
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Eric—Long Beach, CA
I have been a Christian for half of my life. I am now 31 years old. In 1992, as a junior in high school, I came to believe in Jesus as my Savior. However, I realized my first same gender attractions when I was in third grade. In some ways, I feel like I’ve been gay longer than I’ve been Christian. Yet in other ways, I feel like I’ve lived a faith lifestyle for much longer than I’ve lived a gay lifestyle.I was socially conditioned to believe that it was wrong to be gay. So as a Christian, I found myself in constant tension between my involuntary responses towards other guys and my voluntary belief that those responses were unacceptable. The result was a shattered self-image that left me unable to love the man in the mirror.
I felt such shame for being this way. It was too difficult to tell others – even for the purpose of support. So the Church was a lonely experience for me because I felt like no one really knew me.
I didn’t want to be gay. So I asked God to fix me. When I finally felt desperate enough, I confided in members of my church small group about my struggle. They prayed for me. I prayed for me. I soon realized that they were not equipped to understand me nor help me. After years of feeling alone and helpless, I discovered a ministry that could relate with me. They were Desert Stream Ministries – a wholeness ministry, an ex-gay ministry.
For several months in 2002-2003, I became a part of the Cross Current support groups offered in Long Beach, CA. For the first time, I was able to freely discuss the apparent conflict between my sexuality and my faith. I listened to testimonies of people who were like me, I prayed with people who struggled like me, and I worshipped the Lord with people who were like me. I discovered that there was room for people like us in God’s Kingdom. I learned that God’s compassion for those who struggle is greater than my own self-condemnation.
In 2004, I enrolled in a six-month program in Anaheim, CA called Living Waters through Desert Stream Ministries. It involved meeting once per week for corporate worship, teaching and prayer in the group co-ed context, then breaking up into smaller groups of the same gender for personal prayer, support and encouragement.
At the time, I took a Side X position (ex-gay view) and agreed with the mainstream interpretation that being gay is a sin. So as I went through the Living Waters program, I wasn't resisting what they were teaching. I wanted to be ex-gay. I attended two of their conferences, was a part of support groups, completed their six-month program, read their books, did my homework in their workbooks, and spent countless hours talking with and praying with leaders. After all of that, I still believed that being gay was wrong, as I did before the ex-gay ministry, but my sexuality hadn’t changed. The one thing that did change was that I realized that God loved me as I am regardless of my sexuality. My journey since the ex-gay ministry has continued and I have found peace and resolution in being both gay and Christian.
Eric maintains the blog--Two World Collision and is the founder of Catalyst, a movement that sees a culture in Long Beach that embraces meaningful relationships, community partnership, and resident ownership of the city.
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Christine Bakke—Denver, CO
I prayed. I journaled. I read all the recommended books. I moved four states and 1300 miles away to start my official ex-gay life. I attended the Living Waters program, and an Exodus ministry, and also saw a private counselor for reparative therapy.
I even spent an entire day renouncing various demonic influences with the help of two former missionaries who specialized in deliverance work. I had church members come and anoint with oil both my apartment, and then later, my newly purchased condo. My forehead became almost permanently broken out from the amount of oil with which I was anointed at various times.
I went forward in church and spent a lot of time at the altar. I confessed my sins to others. I listened to worship music, and sang along, knowing that God would see my heart and give me the desires of my heart.
I truly sought what I thought was right, and what was required of me by God. I wanted to live a holy and pure life, and I wanted to please God and follow His will. I threw myself into it with all of my heart and absolutely believed that I would be "healed" of my "brokenness."
Along with the knowledge that I had not changed in spite of all this effort, faith, and trust, I also came to find out that the true brokenness was in a system that says we are not good, right, pure and lovable just as we are.
Christine blogs at Rising Up Whole. You can read her full story here.
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Peterson Toscano—Hartford, CT
Growing up in the Catholic Church, I began to pray and confess my sins to the priest in a general way. I was afraid to let him know that I struggled wtih same-sex attractions. in High School I got invovled with the Catholic Youth Organization and began attending retreats and serving in the church in hopes that these good things would replace the sexual desires I had.When that did not work, I became a born-again Evangelical Christian. In that church I tried prayer, and lots of it, Bible reading, Bible memorization, church attendance, pastoral counseling, discipleship programs, books on holiness and fasting.
Once I went to a Christian college I sought out more specific help and began attending the weekly support group meeting LIFE ministries in NYC. I also got involved in a pentecostal church thinking that maybe I simply needed more of the power of God in my life. I also attended an Exodus conference and started reading some books written by ex-gay
No matter what I tried, I still struggled (and failed) with my same-sex attractions. I spent two weeks in Colorado Springs, CO with a Christian counselor who specilized in sex addiction. I would have a measure of success but then fail miersably again. Ultimately I enrolled in the residential program, Love in Action and worked on my issues there for about two years. That was my last stop before I came out, or as I like to say, I came to my senses. It was at Love in Action that they taught me that a definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. I realized that was what I was doing with my ex-gay experiences. It was time to try something different altogether--to accept myself for who I was, same-sex desires and all.
Peterson's full bio is here, and he can also be found at his three blogs: A Musing, Dos Equis (Spanish con mi Amiga Ariadna) and Svensk Spädbarn (Swedish). Is this guy addicted to blogging or what?